more than I am
I gained a new respect for my boss today. We’ve been clashing so much lately, it’s been driving me nuts. I go in the morning trembling at the thought of what I could be scolded about, go through the day on edge and feeling inadequate and go home feeling like I barely accomplished anything. It got so overwhelming to the point of tears, confrontation and a lack of productivity. It felt like I was barely getting any respect, so I rebelled and returned the “favor” of disrespect.
Last week, she declared that I have to report my task list to her every morning and give her a thorough run through of every piece of information I know and how I was planning to deal with those tasks every hour of every day. It felt really daunting and frustrating at first, like micro managing to the extreme.
I vented about it to a coworker and ended up crying that whole afternoon. Aside from being utterly embarrassing, it was also a lesson in humility, maturity and even my own worth. He said something I will never forget. Since he’s a lot older, he’s also had his share of clashing personalities and persistent bosses, but he’s also learnt the most about himself through them. There are things worth fighting for and some things worth swallowing pride over, but nothing that’s worth forgetting our own capabilities and value. When challenged and confronted, it’s easy to think of leaving this job and finding more happiness elsewhere. But as tempting it is to leave, I could also affects others’ productivity, happiness and ultimately our team in general. In other words, it’s easy to replace a person but not easy to replace a team. That thought brought new light into the matter and I forced myself to deal with everything with the most openness I can muster.
Today, I had an interesting heart to heart conversation with my boss. She explained why she hired me, why she chose my credentials over others, the potential she saw in me and most of all, why it seemed like I wasn’t living up to it. It was one of the most humbling conversations I’ve ever had. Hearing about the credentials of the other people that I applied against, how my skills and personality completed the current staff, and how much faith she had in me to excel was a huge eye opener.
As much as I trust in my own capabilities, I also tend to limit myself to what I know and what I’m comfortable doing. I seldom, if ever, fathom how successful others already perceive me to be. All this while, I felt defeated trying to keep up with the professional elitist stereotype and whatever my boss’ demands were. When in reality, I was already more than the stereotype. I just needed to own up to the title and allow myself to live my potential. Truth be told, it’s not a matter of earning worth and potential, it’s a matter of “being” that potential.
Now I feel a deeper sense of respect for my boss, perhaps even as a mentor rather than a boss. Her patience with me is even more than I have for myself, and she inspires me in more ways than anyone else has.
The gist of this all can be summed by the infamous A.A. Milne quote: “You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Don’t ever discredit that.
